Weekend with Emmett
by Chewie4370
Summary: 100-150 word drabble. When Edward is away Emmett will play . . . with Bella. You would think they would learn by now.
1. Lipstick

**********Disclaimer: **All characters are propery of Stephenie Meyer, author of The Twilight Saga. No infringment itended.

**A/N:** I had to try my hand at drabble, I love these things! Goal is100 to 120 words (based on Microsoft Word)

All prompt words and pre-reading done by chynadollars

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**Chapter1: Lipstick**

I hate it when Edward left me with a babysitter.

I knew I was only a human surrounded by some "monsters" but I could, despite everyone's concern, take care of myself. At least this time he didn't try to hide the fact that I was being held hostage at the Cullen Manor. I wondered why he chose Emmett though. Usually Alice was my warden for the weekend, but she and Rosalie were leaving too.

Emmett had disappeared shortly after my arrival. I snuggled on the couch with my latest book starting the countdown until Edward's return to me.

"Emmett, what do you think you are doing with that lipstick?"


	2. Flaming Dr Pepper

Chapter 2: Flaming Dr. Pepper

"People can't call you plain if you doll yourself up a little! Trust me Eddie will love it."

"No that's okay Emmett. I'm good."

"Come on Bells. Besides lipstick is the coolest thing ever!"

"If you like it so much Em, you can wear it." Emmett was getting closer and I couldn't help but notice his other hand had stayed behind his back the whole time.

"I have. I used to wear pink lip gloss when I was a stripper."

"Why the hell were you a stripper?"

"Cause I'm sexy Bells. I was called The Flamming Dr. Pepper."

I think I was ready to throw up, but I couldn't let my guard down. The enemy was still advancing with the dread lipstick.


	3. Unicycle

Chapter 3: Unicycle

I had to distract him till I had a plan.

"What was it like being a stripper?"

"All man! It was excellent. I use to ride this unicycle onto the stage wearing nothing but ass-less chaps. Its how I paid Rosalie and mine's next four years of collage. Those where the days."

The mental image was too much for me.

"Emmett, what's that in your other hand?"

"This is just Rose's make-up bag. You can't have lipstick without eye shadow. Come on, even I know that."

"Are you crazy? She is going to kill us both. Unlike you, I can actually die here."


	4. Midget

Chapter 4: Midget

"Bella, you don't have to be so dramatic. Rosalie would never hurt you. She is too afraid Edward would destroy her BMW." Emmett was waving the lipstick around.

"Seriously Emmett, if I wanted to wear lipstick I wouldn't let you do it. I don't trust you with a spoon near me. Especially after the hair spray incident." I stood to my feet crossing my arms. I wasn't ready to lose this fight.

"We got the comb out, jeez. I totally know what I am doing. I use to put make up on my midget friend Treece all the time."

"You have a midget friend name Treece? You are the weirdest vampire I know."


	5. Body Piercing

Chapter 5: Body Piercing

Damn vampire super speed! I knew I couldn't out run him.

"Doesn't Edward give you restrictions for these babysitting jobs?" I was reaching for straws.

"This time he just said I couldn't give you any weird body piercing." Emmett shrugged his shoulders as if the answer was obvious.

Damn Edward for not reading this in Emmett's thoughts. Wait a minute; maybe he did and he just wants to torture me like the rest of them. He knew I would fight Emmett. He wanted to watch this like a movie in Emmett's head when he got back! I got something for him.

"Alright, Emmett. Let's do it."

"Yes!"


	6. QTip

Chapter 6: Q-Tip

"You're being too hard. You're going to break me." Eye shadow shouldn't hurt right?

"Toughen up Bells, beauty is pain." Emmett continued to rub the small brush across my eye. Any harder and I was going to be needing the blasted make-up to cover the black eye he was going to give me.

"What do you think this is for?" Emmett asked. My eyes were closed, trying to block out the assault.

"I don't know. Make-up is evil." Just as I turned to look at the mess Emmett had made of my face I saw the white tip, but it was too late.

"Agh! Holy hell Emmett. My eye! You stuck a Q-Tip in my eye!"


	7. Stethoscope

Chapter 7: Stethoscope

I convinced Emmett to get me to a hospital but he insisted on taking me to Port Angeles, scared Carlisle and Charlie would find out if we stayed in Forks.

"Cool a stethoscope!" Emmett put the device on his ears and began heading my way.

"You don't even need that. You have superhuman hearing." I said rubbing the eye patch provided by the doctor for my bruised retina. We waited for he doctor to discharge me.

"But this means its official." Emmett slid the device into his shirt.

"You're stealing the doctor's stuff. Are you insane?"

"Come on. Imagine the fun we could have with this thing."


	8. Rock

Chapter 8: Rock

"Bella you look great with an eye patch."

"Emmett, please. I probably look like a pirate." I touched the itchy contraption.

"No way! You can totally pull it off. It makes you look tough. Bet those pesky newborns wont mess with you now. You need a cool bad ass nick name." Emmett started pacing the floor, thinking entirely too hard. "I got it! From hence forth on you shall be called Rock." Emmett said as if it was a great declaration.

"If you call me Rock, I am calling you Q-tip," I said pointing at the patch.

"Than it is so order." Emmett actually stood proud of the name.


	9. Military Tank

Chapter 9: Military Tank

"Alrighty Miss Swan. You are all set to get out of here," Dr. Johnson said walking back into the room. The man was obviously scared of Emmett, being sure to say at least an arm distance from him at all times.

"Your brother here is going to have to drive. You don't need to be behind any wheels for a while."

"You hear that Bells, no driving the military tank for you this week." I scoffed at Emmett. For some reason the doctor face looked shocked. Did he believe we owned a tank? What kind of damn doctor was this?

"Thank you so much doc for saving my sisters," Emmett grabbed the doctor in a huge bear hug, lifting him off his feet.


	10. Chinese Writing

Chapter 10: Chinese Writing

We left the hospital shortly after I convinced Emmett to release the doctor. I was still rubbing my annoying eye patch as I followed behind Emmett, as he was skipping like a school girl.

"Hey Q-Tip," I acknowledge him.

"What's up Rock?"

"It's time to feed the human. I want Chinese Food."

"Alright, let's go."

We pulled into the first joint we came to. I ordered my food and I decided to sit inside and eat while Emmett watched.

"You should go get a tattoo today. Oh! Chinese Writing would be cool."

I choked on my General Mao Chicken.


	11. Nebraska

Chapter 11: Nebraska

"Emmett, have you lost your damn mind? Do you want Edward _and_ Charlie to kill you?" I could barely get the words out, I was coughing so hard.

"Come on Bella, you know you want too."

"That's beside the point." I realized I said too much.

"What? You actually want a tattoo. Let's go Rock!" Emmett tried to pull me away from the table.

"No, I am not ready to go into witness protection for when they both try to kill you."

"No prob, I have a hideout in Nebraska that Edward knows nothing about. Now let's go get you inked up!"


	12. Snow

Chapter 12: Snow

I wasn't arguing with Emmett nearly as much, or as hard as I probably should have been, but in all honesty I really did want a tattoo. Edward said he wanted me to experience all aspect of being human first, right? I tried to convince myself this would qualify, though I knew that argument wouldn't work with Edward, or Charlie.

I walked into the parlor and already knew I wanted a purple lily, like those that grow in the meadow Edward and I shared. Before I could point out what I wanted Emmett took the artist chair.

"Me first! I want a giant Snow flake right there," Emmett said slapping his arm.


	13. 2500

Chapter 13: $2500

"What the hell? You can't get a tattoo." The design artist looked at me sideways as he had already taken his seat to get to work.

"Sure I can. Rose will love it."

"Not Rose, the other reason." I widened my eyes trying to imply my meaning. I knocked on the concrete beam next to the artist chair trying to get Emmett to recognize the similarity.

"It will be fine."

In the end Emmett destroyed all of the needles and tattoo guns. A $50 tattoo ended up costing $2500.

I didn't get my tattoo. We backed out of the parlor as I continually apologized to the pissed off owner.


	14. Stickers

Chapter 14: Stickers

We finally went back home after the tattoo fiasco. Emmett kept apologizing saying he really didn't think that would happen.

"Really, Emmett? You have diamond coated skin. What was supposed to happen?" I really wasn't upset. It was funnier than anything.

"I know how to make it up to you."

Emmett pulled into at Dollar Tree, coming out five minutes later.

"Now we both have tattoos." Emmett stuck a sunflower sticker with a clear backing on my arm. I looked to see he had none other than a snowflake on his arm.

"You are too cool Em!"


	15. Cooked Choco Co Puffs

Chapter 15: Cooked Choc Co Puffs

The next day was Saturday and it was going to be twenty four hours of Emmett mania. I skipped down the stairs happy that Edward had finally sprung for a full size bed and I didn't have to sleep on that dreadful couch.

I found Emmett in the kitchen concentrating hard over the contents of a sauce pan. Whatever he was attempting to cook smelt sweet, but burnt.

"Hey, Em. What's up for today?"

"After breakfast we are going to a Fair."

I looked over and saw the Choc Co Puff box siting on the counter and suddenly recognized the smell of burning chocolate.

"Emmett! You don't cook those!"


	16. Blowup Doll

Chapter 16: Blow-Up Doll

We tried to salvage the pot but in the end we just decided to toss it. We slapped on a new "tattoo" for the day and we were off to the Fair. We found ourselves in some town even smaller than Forks and I was suddenly curious how Emmett had even known about this place.

"Bells, this is going to be fantastic. Oh! I'm going to win you a blow-up doll."

"What am I going to do with that thing?"

"I don't care. Give it to Edward."

I tried to imagine Edward's face when he found it in my bed in place of me.

Oh! This was going to be good.


	17. Purple Elephant

Chapter 17: Purple Elephant

Emmett won a few games in a row and added a giant purple elephant to the life size blow up doll we now carried across the Fair grounds.

"You can give Edward the elephant to apologize for the blow up prank you pull."

"Hey, is it weird that this place has blow-up dolls to give away?

"I don't think so. Now if it had various openings on its body I would freak out but since it doesn't, it's all good!"

I was flabbergasted at Emmett's words but he had a point. The thing was completely innocent in a freaky adult kind of way.


	18. Candy Corn

Chapter 18: Candy Corn

We had been at the Fair for a while. I had already engorged myself on a funnel cake, lemonade, and a turkey leg.

"Okay Q-Tip, we are on a mission. If you choose to accept and are successful you will be rewarded greatly."

"Isabella what the hell are you talking about? I know you aren't looking for more food. My god woman, where do you put it all?"

I took off running to the nearest concession stand demanding the sugary confection at once.

"Yes ma'am we have that!" The little old man at the window should have retired a long time ago. "There you go, one pound of Candy Corn."

"What the hell? Wait a minute: you don't cook Choc Co Puffs but you turn corn into candy? Humans are weird."


	19. Human

Chapter 19: Human

"They are delicious Emmett. Here, I dare you to taste one." I waved the candy in his face. "What's wrong chicken?"

"Isabella! You know what that word does to me. By order of the 'Bylaws of Emmett,' I have to accept. But if I do this you have to do something too."

I was getting nervous. Edward had warned me about the treacherous acts Emmett could conjure up.

"I don't know," I said pausing in the middle of the fair grounds, standing my plastic companion up on her feet.

"Now whose chicken?" Emmett circled around me like he was stalking his pray. "No, you're not chicken, your worst. You're human!"

"What? You take that back!"


	20. Run

Chapter 20: Run

Those were fighting words.

"You will take that back right now!"

"You ARE a human and you will ALWAYs be a human." Emmett bounced his eyebrows at me. That dimpled smirk marking his face.

I knew he was reeling me in but this was a disrespect I just couldn't stand for.

"You are so on! Bring it."

"Yes! I dare you to enter the Pizza Eating Contest," Emmett said pointing to the sign.

The dare seemed simple enough, but all the Fair food sitting on my stomach was screaming at me to run like the humanly coward I was.


	21. Popsicle Stick

Chapter 21: Popsicle Stick

"I can handle this, but you go first," I held out a hand full of the Candy Corn.

"What does it taste like?" Emmett scrunched up his face as if the candy smelled putrid.

"For us _humans, _it's sweet and delicious. For venom spewing vamps, I don't really know."

"Okay, here goes nothing. It can't be worse than that time I ate a bag full of gummy worms. Now that was a dare I should have ran from."

Emmett tossed back his head dumping over a dozen pieces of the candy into his mouth. We instantly learned a new lesson:

Vamp venom + waxy candy = orange and yellow gross mess

Emmett desperately tried to scrape his tongue clean with a discarded Popsicle stick he found on the ground.


	22. Picture

Chapter 22: Picture

"Oh my god! You're trying to kill me. I'm telling Rose!"

I should have been terrified of the threat but I was too busy laughing uncontrollably at Emmett's attempt to rid his mouth of the melted mess.

"That was excellent. Damn, I should have taken a picture. Jasper would have loved that. Hey, can you do it again?"

"NO! You are so going to get it Swan."

"Hey don't get mad at me. If you have any concerns you may want to take it up with the 'Bylaws of Emmett.'"

Just then a country voice blared over the sounds of the Fair.

"_Last call fur Pizza Eatin' Contest participants. Please make yur way to the red tent."_


	23. 300 Pounds

Chapter 23: 300 Pounds

I took my place at the table. Emmett tied the ridiculously large red and white bib around my neck. He was smiling so hard his diamond skin should have cracked. I looked down the long table of the other gluttony participations and noticed two things: I was the only girl and I was the only one who weighted less than three hundred pounds.

"Oh by the way Bells, you have to win to complete this dare."

"What, are you crazy? Isn't there a rule that you can't change stuff in the middle of the dare."

"Not how I play. Don't worry Bells, if you want to chicken out I will understand. You can only do what is _humanly _possible."

There goes that damn word again. I saw red.

"Oh you! Here, hold my blow up doll."


	24. Bar Chair

Chapter 24: Bar Chair

The competition was fierce. The winner would walk away with $500 cold hard cash and a year's worth of bragging rights. I was getting the itching feeling these men were looking for the bragging rights. At the sound of the fog horn the completion begun. Mozzarella cheese and tomato sauce went flying.

"Go Rock! You can do it. You got this," Emmett cheered me on from behind. A true friend holds your hair back while you engorge yourself on over sized pies.

I had finished one whole pizza, but as I looked down the line I saw everyone else was on their third pie!

Girly and dainty went out the window. I stood to my feet, kick the bar chair from underneath me, and began my descent into Pizza hell.


	25. Whale

Chapter 25: Whale

Twenty minutes into the competition and only ten remained.

Half of my opponents had bowed out. There were only five left and I was counting the three to my left to soon ring out too. My real competition was the 500 pound whale on my left. No doubt he was in it to win it. He wasn't even sweating as he stuffed a whole slices in his mouth at a time. He had already eaten at least ten pies to my seven. But this completion wasn't just about who ate the most pies in 30 minutes but who kept them all down.

My strategy wasn't to out eat him but to hope he threw it all backup.


	26. Cheat

Chapter 26: Cheat

Girl vs. whale

The slices started disappearing slower into the belly of the beast. I knew what I had to do. I didn't like it but I had to cheat.

"Emmett, I need your special skill. You have to scare this guy to make him run away," I whispered low knowing Emmett would be the only one who could hear. He gave me a knowing nod.

Emmett stepped in front of us. I don't know what Emmett thought about but suddenly his eyes began to noticeably turn from golden to black. Animals always know when they are in danger.


	27. Leaning Tower of Pizza

Chapter 27: Leaning Tower of Pizza

"Bubba" stood to his feet and stumbled trying to run only to lean too far to the right and fall. The impact with the ground was enough to unsettle the eleven pies in his stomach, causing him to spew everywhere. It was gross but hell it meant I won.

"This girl knocked down the Leaning Tower of Pizza,'" I heard a child shout.

The crowd cheered. I just sat there to full to stand.

"Oh my god Bella that was the shit! You ate like nine whole pizzas," Emmett shouted around me jumping up and down.

"I think I'm dying, Em."


	28. Fanta Girls

Chapter 28: Fanta Girls

"We have a winna," the announcer said over the roaring crowd.

I was being surrounded by four girls each wearing the same dress only each a different color. There was red, orange, yellow, and purple. I guess this was this small town's rendition of the Fanta Girls. The girls bounced around me in their way too mini skirt and low cut dresses. They obviously expected the winner to be a man.

I looked over to see Emmett had caught the attention of the girl in the red dress.

"So how do you feel about playful biting?" I heard him ask.


	29. Velvet Thong and Maid Lingerie

Chapter 29: Velvet Thong and Maid Lingerie

"Emmett!" I screamed.

The girl was startled more by me than the vampire charming her right to her face.

"Forgetting something?"

"Oh, I was just messing," he said as he walked away, leaving the girl looking quite sad she lost her catch. "That was so awesome Bells. I can't believe you won! I helped, but still that was the bomb."

"Hey, what did you think about to make your eyes change?"

"Oh, I was remembering Rosalie in her velvet thong and maid lingerie."

"Eew! Now I'm ready to throw up. Well, we got 500 big ones to blow. Where to?"


	30. Teletubby

Chapter 30: Teletubby

I slowly began to walk back towards the car. I wanted to get on some rides again but the nine pies in my belly and each step I took was creating its own roller coaster.

"Bella you look like a Teletubby when you walk like that."

"Emmett, Q-Tip, dear friend. Tell Edward I always loved him and that if he had just changed me this fiasco could have been avoided," I said just before I made contact with the waiting ground, or so I thought.

"Oh no you don't! There will be no sleeping on the greatest day of adventure yet," Emmett said as I found myself laying in his arms.


	31. Jump Rope

Chapter 31: Jump Rope

"Just let me die in pizza," I said meaning to say in peace.

"Come on Bells, we have $500 we can blow. What should we buy?" Emmett carried me over one shoulder and the blow up doll and purple elephant in the other.

"Aren't you like a trillionair or something? Why are you so excited over $500?

"'Cause I don't have to explain to Rosy what I am buying this time. Oh, you think we got enough to buy 1000 pounds of Play Duh?"

I wanted to ask but was a little scared.

"Look! Let's buy this," Emmett said running to one of the toy stands. I could feel the pizza moving on the inside. That was such a bad idea.

"A jump rope? Emmett what the hell?"


	32. Junk

Chapter 32: Junk

"We are not buying a jump rope Emmett."

"But Mom," Emmett whined causing the booth keeper to look at us questioning.

"We are just going to spend the money on junk, then? Shouldn't we do something responsible with it?"

"I'm sorry; your stick up the ass fiancé is away for the weekend. Hi, I'm Emmett, your much crazier, zanier, and spontaneous soon-to-be brother-in-law. Come join me on my magical ride of fun and wonder." Emmett stuck his hand out to shake.

I looked at it, wondering if it would be suspicious if I just cut it off right here in the middle of the fair grounds.


	33. Sword

Chapter 33: Sword

Emmett was in heaven in the toy booth and the keeper looked ecstatic as he had obviously made his daily quota with Emmett alone.

"Gotta get this. Hey that one too. Do you have this is eggshell white?" Emmett was firing questions at the man who was more than happy to oblige him.

I just sat back waiting on the man to say we had bought the whole booth.

"That's it young man?" The keeper said as if Emmett was only five. Wait, maybe he had a point there. "Your total is $75."

"Emmett what the hell," I began.

"Look Bella," Emmett said turning around.

As luck would have it, we were yet again too close and the object was too pointy to be in Emmett's hands.

"Holy hell, Em! You stabbed me in my eye with a toy sword!"


	34. Snoopy

**A/N: So I was told I really shouldn't post more than one chapter a day or at least but some hours between my various post. So I am going to take that person's advice and try to only post one chapter per day, except for Monday and Fridays were you all will get two since I can rarely post on weekends. So enjoy and review away please. . . Reviews make me happier than Emmett in a Dare contest**

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Chapter 34: Snoopy

"We are not responsible for injuries as a result of toys purchased from this vendor," the man said so fast I wasn't sure if I heard him correctly. When I turned around the man was gone.

"God! Bella I am so sorry." Emmett pulled my hand away to look at my eye. "Look on the bright side: it's the same eye and you already have a patch at home."

"LOOK AT THE BRIGHT SIDE," I yelled. "How in the hell do I look at the bright side with only one eye, Emmett?"

Emmett was really trying to examine me as if he knew what to look for. I started swatting at my brother's arms like the annoy fly he was, making him drop all his new toys.

"Oh no Snoopy," Emmett screamed, reaching for the white dog that hit the ground.


	35. Inanimate Object

Chapter 35: Inanimate Object

"Look Bella, just cause you're angry doesn't mean you take it out on the innocent." Emmett was pretending to sob as he kneeled on the ground stroking the stuffed cartoon character.

"Emmett, get up," I said rubbing at my eye for the last time.

"NO!" Emmett yelled. "Not until you apologize to Snoopy."

"I am not apologizing to that toy."

"How can Edward love someone so hateful?" Emmett was still pretending to cry and was starting to draw the attention of the remaining Fair-goers.

"Em, get up. Everyone is starring," I said between clinched teeth.

"I'm so sorry Snoopy. I will never let her hurt you again." Emmett rocked the inanimate object in his arms.


	36. Cat Person

Chapter 36: Cat Person

I soon realized that he wasn't going too cooperate. If he wanted to play this way than I would play with him.

"Your right, I hate all cartoon dogs. Snoopy, Dino, Underdog, damn them all." I was shaking my fist at the sky. More than a few patrons stopped to watch our antics.

"No Bella, say it aint so. How can anybody hate Scooby-Doo and his nephew Scrappy?"

"Because," I paused for effect, "I am a cat person!" I turned my face as if ashamed. Someone in our audience gasped.

"Noooooo," Emmett wailed into the sky.

"So, wonna get Ice Cream now?"

"Oh, yeah." Emmett stood up collecting all our treasures for the day.

I held my beloved blow up doll as I walked away from our onlookers who were trying to determine if what they just saw was real.


	37. Booty

Chapter 37: Booty

The pineapple ice cream actually sooth my tomato and cheese filled stomach. It was still a good part of the day left but Emmet and I had our fill of the Fair and decided to find new adventures to get into (his words, not mine).

We put all the day's booty into the back of the Jeep, except for Snoopy and the blow doll. No, they were strapped into the back seat, of course.

"Hey, do you think we can use the car pool lane now?" Emmett asked.

"I don't think they count as passengers, Em. So where are we headed?"

"Let's see: we've got $425 to blow and a whole afternoon left."

At the exact same time we sang out, "WAL-MART!"


	38. Blue and Yellow

Chapter 38: Blue and Yellow

The drive to Wal-Mart was filled with off key singing of Lady Gaga songs. It took us five minutes to find a place to park as Emmett drove up and down each row.

As soon as the car was parked I made a mad dash for the front door, Emmett keeping up with no problem.

"What's your hurry, Rock?"

"I need a serious human moment," I said. My words were backed up by the grumble in my stomach.

"What the hell was that?" Emmett's super human ears picked up on the sound.

"That is what happens when you dare your human sister to enter a pizza eating contest." I all but ran to the bathroom.

Ten minutes and nine pizza pies lighter I came out to find Emmett's face covered in Blue and yellow Wal-Mart trademark stickers.

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	39. Gift Basket

Chapter 39: Gift Basket

I wanted to ask why but, really, why bother when it comes to Emmett.

We grabbed a basket and began walking through the store, as everyone stared at the bear to my right completely covered in stickers except one eye and his mouth.

"So you're really going to walk around like that, huh?" I didn't even bother looking his way.

"Around like what?"

"Never mind, Em. Never mind. So, where should we go to first?"

"I want to get a gift for Rosalie."

"Oh, great! Wait, as long as it isn't lingerie. I can't take that image again. How about some jewelry?"

"Nope, I'm going to make her a gift basket filled with Motor Oil, brake fluid, windshield wipers, and antifreeze.

Sadly, he was serious.

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	40. The Jetsons

**That's right Friday is Twin Chapter Day!**

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Chapter 40: The Jetsons

The basket was filled with car lubricants of every kind, industrial drip pans, and funnels.

"Hey why don't you add this?" I handed Emmett the wind shield wiper fluid.

"OH MY GOD! NO," Emmett is such a drama queen. "Rosalie would hit me so hard I would be living in space with the Jetsons." Emmett covered the basket with his whole body.

"Why? What's the big deal?" I backed away slowly, putting the blue liquid back on the shelf.

"My Rose only washes her cars by hand. Fine machinery such as myself," Em put on his cocky grin, "and Rosalie's cars, require a gentle touch."

"Gentle touch? From Rosalie? You might as well be petted by a steeled claw, rabbit, lioness."

Emmett growled at me. Funny how I didn't feel threaten.


	41. Edward's Belly Button

Chapter 41: Edward's Belly Button

"When you are done clearing you throat can we go look for Edward a gift too?" I said walking away.

"I thought the blow up doll was Mr. Ed's gift?"

"No, that's just for fun. Besides, he will likely destroy my inflatable friend."

We bounced ideas on what to get the love of my life. We contemplated buying him a shirt but then Emmett's phone rang.

"_If you bring any clothes back from that god awful store I will make you pay!" _Alice's soprano voice came loud and clear over the receiver and then the call was over.

"Oh, how about these?" Emmett said holding up a bag of different color jewels.

"What the hell is he going to do with those?"

"Put them on Edward's belly button. His hair is already all over his head, and then he will actually look like one of those weird trolls you girls like so much."

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_**A/N: I love trolls so if Edward looked like a troll do you think he will sit on the edge of my desk and let me rub his stomach for good luck? Or maybe I could rub something else (oops sorry forgot were I was for a minute)**_

_**Reviews Make Me Happier Than Well Oiled Rosalie!**_


	42. Dusk

Chapter 42: Dusk

"I'm not bedazzling my husband."

"Kill joy," Emmett mumbled as he walked away.

We settled on a cool bright red wrist watch with a built in countdown clock. I may have already set the alarm for a month before my nineteenth birthday. A girl has to put her foot down after all.

I lost Emmett in the bustle of the store, surprised to find him in the book section. He was sitting on the floor Indian style reading a book called _Dusk._

"What are you reading?"

"OMG, Bella this book is awesome! It's about vampires who refuse to kill humans and one of them falls in love with a human! If Aro sees this he is going to have our asses."

Emmett tucked the book into his body, looking around cautiously as if the leader was only one aisle over.

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**Esme asked me to ask you wolf pack people to please wipe your paws before you step into the house. Thanks a loads!**

**!weiveR**


	43. Happy Meal

Chapter 43: Happy Meal

After convincing Emmett that we were safe I decided to head over to McDonald's to get some lunch. It had been several hours since I engorged myself of pizza and it was time to fill up the old gullet.

Emmett bought a Happy Meal just so that he could have the Hot Wheel toy inside. After being full on grease and starch we paid for our gifts for Edward and Rose, took our bags to the car, and headed back inside to pillage the toy section.

"Okay Emmett, remember you can't have anything with a point on it and you must be at least twenty feet from me at all time." I was desperately trying to salvage my remaining retina.

Little did I know Emmett was about to get me in serious trouble.

* * *

**I have bad news for you Bella-lovers. Carlisle just finished reviewing her medical history . . . there really is somthing wrong with her brain!**

**The blue button sends you vampire abilities!**


	44. Replica

Chapter 44: Replica

As we walked through the toy aisle I spotted a doll that looked strangely familiar. Picking up the box I noticed it said, "Official Replica Doll inspired by _Dusk_."

Wait a minute; isn't that book Emmett just bought?

"Hey Em, does this doll look familiar to you?"

"Shit! It's Alice!"

"According to this, it is 'Ashley.'"

"Man this is just getting freaky."

Looking up onto the shelf again we found more of the "replicas" resembling our Edward, Rosalie, and Jasper. Each one had a slight name change.

"They don't have a mini me? Man talk about a bruised ego."

I patted my brother's back as he walked away clinching his replica Rosalie; also known as Rosalyn.

* * *

**When this story is over Emily and Esme are going to BBQ! I advise you to get there before the Wolf Pack (they only bought 1000 pounds of hamburger meat, what were they thinking?)**


	45. Omen

Chapter 45: Omen

I clinched my own mini love "Edmond" as we continued to make our way through the toy section.

"Ooh! Hey Bella get on." Emmett patted the handle bars of the ten speed bike that sat on display.

"No way. I don't think those are meant to be played on Emmett."

"You are so square. Just get on the bike. Nothing bad will happen."

Emmett jumped on the bike and like an omen there was a high squeaking sound.

"That can't be good," I said eyeing the bike suspiciously.

"Oh, its fine. What's the worst that could happen?" Emmett obviously hadn't watched enough horror movies to know those are the last words you should say.

Nonetheless, I jumped on the handle bars, holding Edmond and Rosalyn for the ride of our lives.

* * *

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	46. Rental

Chapter 46: Rental

Emmett desperately tried to steer the bike through the aisles of the store.

"Em, turn left! No your other left," I screamed as he zoomed us through the home and garden section. Before I knew it the rental cops were on our tails.

"You can't catch us alive, coppers," Emmett screamed looking back at the two slowly advancing security guards who looked too old for the jobs.

Emmett made a hard left through the DVD and CDs sending the bike almost temping over.

"Emmett," I screamed as I desperately clinched on to the only two inches of the handle bars that was remaining.

I'm not sure what went first, the breaks or the pedal but the warning was in the constant screeching metal that was desperately trying to hold Emmett's concrete weight.

* * *

**In breaking news: Paris has been purchased by a sole propriator. The new owner has been asked to remain unnamed for her own safety.**

**"ALICE!" Carlisle screams from the living room.**

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	47. Splinter

Chapter 47: Splinter

Emmett made another swift turn back into the main aisle, past the baby clothes and into the grocery section. As he rounded the cleaning supplies I heard the final cry of the bike as the front wheel began to wobble and Emmett lost all control. Luckily we had managed to make it to the toilet tissues just as the bike splintered under Emmett's massive girth, sliding us straight into the waiting shelf.

Charmin and Angel Soft rained down on top of us, covering us with mounds of two ply.

"Rosalyn! Nooo," Emmett wailed as he searched the piles of paper looking for his mini love. Finding it, he clinched it to his chest.

"Yeah Emmett I'm fine," I said as I tossed a pack of "Great Value Bathroom Tissue" at his head.

Emmett made his way to toss his own brand of choice but before the projectile left his hand we were surrounded by Barney Phyfe and his marry band of deputies.

* * *

**Edward and Bella return from hunting to find Jacob's arms covered in Band-Aids. Apparently Reneseme couldn't wait her turn to eat! **

**ReviwiveR**


	48. Time Machine

Chapter 48: Time Machine

Emmett and I were ushered through the store by the would-be officers. Two walked in front of us while two more took the back. The run must have been too much for them because they were walking at a snail's pace; it was either that or they were purposely parading us around the store for all to see. I hung my head in shame while Emmett waved at our audience. Some people turned their nose up while others, mainly boys, actually bowed to Emmett as we passed.

We were taken back to an office behind the bathroom. The door must have served as a time machine because before us where about ten lava lamps, black light tie dye posters, and every flat surface had candles and oils.

"Whoa. Trippy," Emmett said.

* * *

Please Reveiw!


	49. Handcuffs

Chapter 49: Handcuffs.

"This room is worst than Jasper and Alice's when they went through their free love decade," Emmett said taking in the site. It was hard to imagine Alice in anything that had this many colors in it.

The deputy pointed us to two seats bolted the floor next to a metal bar. He strung a chain through the metal bar and attached it to our hands.

"Really, handcuffs?" Emmett's grin was a little scary. He flexed his muscles which actually made the guard run out of the room, leaving us behind.

"So where are we going when we leave here," Emmett asked as if we were sitting in a movie theater and not a make shift jail.

"Home sounds good, you know, if they don't take us to JAIL! Emmett has you lost your mind?"

"I don't think so," Emmett contemplated the question, "though Carlisle believes something did go wrong during my change."

* * *

Great news everyone! I've been changed into a Vamp! But my only special power is to stare at Edward for unphanthomable amount of time. It is causeing a strain in Bella and mine's relationship.


	50. Desk

Chapter 50: Desk

"Alright well I am board with this. Let's go home now."

As if the whole thing was made of paper mashie, Emmett pulled it out the wall, leaving the bar dangling between our attached wrist.

"No Emmett we are staying and taking our punishment." Emmett looked at me as if I lost my mind, and then started laughing uncontrollably.

"Ooh sweet Isabella. You have so much to learn before you become a Cullen." Emmett patted my head as if I was a small child.

He stood to walk out the door, forgetting we were still chained together. I pulled on the chain trying to get his attention.

"We stay!

"We Go!"

"Stay," I shouted.

"Go," he sneered.

I yanked the chain so hard the dangling metal ring that held us to the wall flew off; hit a lava lamp, spilling flammable fluids onto the desk just as it backfired off a candle that sat there, sending the whole pile of paper into a giant fire.

* * *

**Bella's the Vampire Girl. Emily's the Wolf Girl . . . Can I be the "Jacob-Edward-Sandwich Girl?**


	51. Pants on Fire

Chapter 51: Pants on Fire

Emmett and I both screamed as the entire desk was engulfed in flames in only five seconds. The heat collected with the other candles and oils, sending off spark.

"Oh my god! Oh my god. Emmett what do we do?" we both backed up to the door.

"I got it." Emmett grabbed a coat hanging behind the door and began beating the flames with it. I wasn't doing much good as it was beginning to burn as well.

As Emmett flung the coat back one more time it snapped back on to his pants setting them on fire.

"Emmett" I screamed.

Have you ever seen those cartoons where the character tries to run as if that is going to extinguish the fire? Yeah . . . I really did try not to laugh. I failed

"Stop, drop, and roll, Em," I managed to get out between gut wrenching laughter.

* * *

**I would like to dedicate this chapter to my son who has learned the whole "Liar Liar Pants On Fire." Oh the joy that will be in my house from this day on . . .**


	52. Winnie The Pooh Boxers

Chapter 52: Winnie the Pooh Boxers

Emmett rolled around on the narrow space of the floor looking like a golden retriever learning new tricks. I was still laughing despite the fact that the entire room was pretty much in flames.

Emmett jumped up off the floor.

"That was a close one," he said with his hands on his hips. "Now we have to get out of here."Emmett turned his head to face me. "What's wrong Bella?"

I heard Emmett talking but I was too busy staring at this butt, as horrible as that sounds.

"Emmett, are you wearing Winnie the Pooh boxers?"

* * *

**It was a big day of crime in Forks today. Two kids rode the quarter operated horse outside the Mega Mart three times in a row while other children were waiting! Yep, gotta keep Chief Swan on his toes . . .**


	53. Scientific

Chapter 53: Scientific

"Don't be a hater all your life Bella. You wish Edward looked as good."

"Yeah, okay." I loudly clapped my hands together. "So you think you want to get us out of the flaming office now?" I asked sarcastically.

Just then, the heat of the fire started causing the remaining lava lamps to burst from the pressure.

"Dude what the hell?" Emmett said just as he broke down the door and diving out of the way. It was just like a scene from an action movie. It was awesome (but don't tell Emmett I said that)!

To get all scientific I am sure it was from the outside air matching the already intense flames but as soon as the door was open the fire flew out the room, hit the opposite wall and started a whole new fire!

Oh My God! The whole hallway was engulfed in flames.

* * *

**No Wal-Mart was harmed in the making of this chapter. . .**


	54. Hell Of A Drabble

Chapter 54: Hell of a Drabble

"Dude," Emmett and I said at the same time.

We stood back from the all-consuming fire as it completely devoured the poor poster of the kitten that hung from a tree encouraging all those who looked on to just hold on.

Just then the fire alarm went off sending the entire store evacuating. Just as Emmett and I rounded the corner past "Site-To-Store" we saw our old friends the rental cops trying to usher people out of the emergency exit. Hiding our faces with a pack of pampers we made it pass the authority and out the building.

It was then we noticed the entire side of the building was swallowed by flames. Fire fighters were already hard at work trying to put out the fire, but I doubt given the amount of lava lamps and oils that were in that office . . . water may not have been the answer to the problem. I wasn't going to be the one to reveal that tad bit of information.

If anyone dared to actually look at Emmett and me they would have known something was off. We were both covered in black smut give our close proximity to the original flame. Not to mention, Emmett was outside missing half of his pants.

Emmett stared up into the fire looking like the rest of the "oohing" and pointing crowd of would be shoppers.

"Emmett let's go," I said trying to get his attention.

Emmett was completely entrapped by the flames. Not moving. Not blinking. I started waving my hand in front of his face, that wasn't getting it. Jumping up and down wasn't the answer either.

"Move your stone ass, McCarty," I scream pushing on his arms. He didn't move an inch while my shoes only skidded on the water slick pavement. I swatted at his chest but that only left me clenching my hand in agony. I had to pull out the big guns.

"Hey, is that Rosalie standing over there naked?" I said facing the car.

"What? Where?" Emmett turned around searching.

"Nowhere, crazy. Let's get out of here. Now!"

We made it to the car, slowly pulling away from the horrible mess we had made.

"Hey!"

"What is Bella? What's wrong?"

"We should totally sue Wal-Mart." Emmett was looking at me like I was making no sense.

"Bella, dear, you do realize _you_ burned down Wal-Mart right?"

"What do you mean_ I_ burned it down?" I turned around to face him head on. "If memory serves correctly, you were the one who broke the chair and chain from the wall."

"Yes," Emmett drew out the word, "but who was playing ring toss with the candles and lava lamp?"

I was speechless as I watched Emmett completely content with his realization that maybe, just once, he wouldn't be the one blamed for something. I beg to differ.

"I am just a defenseless fragile human girl who requires a babysitter." I began pretending to hold back tears and sob. "It wasn't me, Edward. He made me go. I am so sorry. Please don't leave me again."

"What?" Emmett eyes were as big as the tires on his massive Jeep.

"That's right McCarty. Who do you think they will believe: innocent ol' me," I said giving him my best puppy dog eyes, "or the hellion of the millennium?"

"You . . . But . . . I . . .," Emmett stuttered. "Well played grasshopper." Emmett and I both broke out in laughter. "Anyway, why are we suing Wal-Mart?"

"Cause, they left us in the office and didn't even think to come get us. They totally sacrificed us. "

"Did you see the fire that came out of that office? They likely assumed we were already dead."

"So?" I crossed my arms, "they could have still checked. I'm telling my daddy."

"I can see that now. 'Chief Daddy,'" Emmett gave his worst girl voice, "'Wal-Mart burned me to death in a fire that I caused. Arrest them all, please.'"

"Really, Emmett? Is that how I sound?" I wore no look of humor on my face.

"Only when you're begging Edward for a kiss," he teased

"Hey!" I swatted at his arm.

"Bella, you will learn when to let certain things go. Rehashing the reasons we were locked in an office that later resulted in a massive fire is one of those things."

"Fine," I sat crossing my arms in front of me. "You've won this one Wal-Mart but we'll meet again someday."

"Hey how about we go home and I cook you some more Choco Co Puffs? I think I can make it without burning it now."

"Emmett, no. Just no, okay."

~xXx~

"Emmett you can't do that!"

"Why not?"

"Sesame Street may be a little pissed if you reveal Bert and Ernie's secret to all the kids. They have kept it pretty under wrapped for the last fifty years."

"I still feel like they are lying to the children," Emmett said as we walked into the house.

We turned around to find a few more vampires there than when we left earlier that morning.

"Bella, love," Edward began moving closer to me only to stop short.

I guess seeing me covered in smut and smelling of burnt paper wasn't a scent he enjoyed. Rosalie walked beside Edward giving Emmett an eye that begged to start this story from the beginning, but Emmett was avoiding that eye contact at all cost, rocking uncharacteristically on his heels and toes, snapping his fingers and whistling.

"Oh god, no." Edward covered his face with his hands.

"What is it, son?" Carlisle asked.

"Emmett is singing Justin Bieber in his head to hide his thoughts. That always means the worst of the worst."

"Dude, where the hell are the rest of your pants?" Jasper drew everyone's attention.

Emmett and I stood frozen, not knowing what to say. I think we both thought we would have a whole night to get our story together if needed.

"Hey, babe! What are you doing home so early?" I fist bumped Edward's shoulder. Edward looked down at me like he didn't know who he was looking at. "I mean, I thought you would be back tomorrow afternoon. You know you don't have to rush hunting for little ol' me." I was sinking fast.

"I missed you," Edward was saying but kept looking at Emmett, waiting on his thoughts to slip, I am sure.

Poor Edward. He should know that Emmett valued his life and if anything slipped about the last forty eight hours he would have to deal with the raft of Rosalie and Edward. There was going to be no slipping.

Alice took a loud breath that brought everyone's attention to her. Just then Alice laughed, breaking the silence of the room. Emmett looked at me and we both knew it was over. The freaking pixie must have saw something.

"Well since these two aren't talking let's see what the news can teach us?"

"_Alice I thought you loved me? We were best friends! That's it, you can so not plan our wedding. And you're not my maid of honor. And I am taking back those red pumps you bought me."_ I screamed in my head forgetting Alice wasn't the one who could hear thoughts. Dammit!

Everyone looked at Alice who only stared at the television, waiting. Emmett started taking slow steps backward towards the door.

"Don't you move, McCarthy!" Rosalie shouted not looking away from the television.

"_In local news, Boondock County Fair held its annual Pizza Eating Contest today. For the first time ever the winner was . . . AWOMAN! That's right; Bella Swan took down the reigning champ of four years."_

The screen showed a picture of me unsteady on my feet surrounded by the bouncing Fanta Girls, except for the lady in red who was too busy flirting with Emmett. The growl that Rosalie let out even made Carlisle take a step back.

"Baby she meant nothing," Emmett begged.

When Rosalie turned around to face him, she actually looked like a vampire.

"Oh you have seen the half of it," Alice snitched.

"Alice!" I screamed only to have everyone look back at me.

"_In other news the Wal-Mart located just outside of Seattle was severely damaged due to a fire that consumed the entire back half of the store. Officials believe the inferno was caused by some oil based accelerant and an open flame. The manager of the store is suspected as being the cause of the fire."_

Emmett and I let out a relieved sigh. Suddenly six sets of eyes were on us looking us up and down.

Damn! I can see it in their eyes as soon as they figured it out. Jasper and Alice were trying, really they were, to keep from laughing but it wasn't working. One look at each other and they had to start all over again. Carlisle just pinched the bridge of his nose looking much like an English version of Edward and Esme rubbed his arms. She didn't look too surprised. Edward and Rosalie both turned towards us, arms crossed. I couldn't take the stare. It was intense. I just couldn't handle the pressure.

"Emmett made me do it!" I pointed at my accomplice. "I'm just a helpless human who needs a babysitter. Please Edward don't leave me again." I threw myself in his arms, very thankful I learned how to cry on cue all those years ago.

"Rock! You just throw me to the wolves like that?" Emmett looked back and forth between me and the still glaring duo. "Well played grasshopper. Well played."

"Don't worry Emmett, I don't believe a word she says anyway," Edward said as he peeled me off of his body and stood me back up next to Q-Tip. He stepped back next to Rosalie, folding his arms back.

"But Edward," I began.

"Don't even try it Isabella," Edward sounded very Charlie-ish.

"Would you two care to explain?" Rosalie said

"Wait, let me leave the room. I want to be as ignorant as humanly possible behind this one." Carlisle threw up his hands and began dragging Esme out of the living room.

"Start at the beginning please," Edward commanded.

Alice and Jasper snuggled up close to listen as if they were attending dinner theater. I was going to be the entrée.

"Okay so it started after you left when Emmett tried to put Rosalie's make up on me."

"You what?" Rosalie and Edward asked at the same time.

"Seriously, if that pissed y'all off let me just save you the trouble and end this explanation here 'cause that isn't even half of it okay." Emmett, damn it you aren't helping.

"Anyway," I sneered in Emmett's direction, "There is nothing to worry about 'cause the Q-Tip didn't cause any damage to my eye and plus I got a cool eye patch." Yeah that made me sound like a dork. "Then we went to eat Chinese and Emmett suggested we get a tattoo but he broke all the needles and guns."

"You tried to ink my girlfriend?" Oh I forgot Edward shouldn't have known that part.

"Why the hell did you think you could get one anyway?" Jasper asked.

"Look it was a life experience I felt we both needed. Get off my back!" Emmett you aren't helping.

"So today I woke up, and thanks for the bed dear. I really like it." I had to throw some sugar on this mess.

"Oh love, I'm glad you like it. I was going get a smaller one but Alice said that you had enough of sleeping in a twin bed. Then you know Emmett made some derogatory statement about we would need the space. But I couldn't tell if it was soft enough for you. What about the sheets? Is that color okay?"

"Edward gets your head out of Bella's ass and let her get back to why they burned down Wal-mart," Rosalie screamed.

"Oh yeah, sorry." Edward stepped back to Rosalie crossing his arms, trying to look angry again.

"How the hell does she have you so pussy whipped and you haven't even had it yet?"

"Rosalie!" Everyone in the room screamed. I hid my head in utter shame.

"What? It's true. Go on Bella."

I just stared at her for a minute. Really what was I supposed to be saying? Oh yeah, how I, I mean how Emmett burned down Wal-Mart.

"So Emmett tried to cook me breakfast but he burned the Choco Co Puffs on the stove so we had to throw away the pot. Then we went to the Fair where I dared Emmett to eat a hand full of Candy Corn and he dared me to enter the pizza eating contest. I won the contest after eating like nine whole pizzas and Emmett scared the mozzarella out of the only guy who might have won. We took the $500 and went crazy at the Fair Vendor where Emmett almost put out my other eye with a toy sword. We took all our goodies and decided we weren't ready to come home so we went to Wal-mart and bought all this stuff with our winnings. Then we went back in the store and went to the toy aisle where we found these dolls that looked like us, well except Emmett, he didn't have a doll and it made him sad until he saw the bike on display and he made me get on the handle bars and rode me around the store. Well Emmett didn't tell me he didn't know how to steer because we ended up crashing into the toilet paper aisle trying to avoid the rental cops. But they caught us and took us and our mini Edmond and Rosalyn to the office in the back that was covered in enough 1970's novelty to make any hippy proud. Emmett tried to bust us out but I told him to stay and maybe, just maybe, if the manager hadn't decided to mix open flams and paper together, than I wouldn't have flung a metal ring into a lava lamp setting in motion a series of unfortunate events, including but not limited to, Emmett losing half his pants."

Nobody said anything for a while, only staring at me wide eyed and mouth agape.

"Bella, that speech was very Alice-ish."

"I am so proud," Alice pretended to cry.

"The moral of the story is . . . We came baring gifts!" And at a super human speed and strength Emmett emerged from the garage with bags of stuff we had bought from the store, pre-fire, and dumped it on the floor.

"Oh! _Dusk. _Can I read this? I hard that Sandra Mayor sure can write a good vamp story." Alice snuggled into the couch and started reading.

Rosalie and Edward were still staring at us like we were America's Most Wanted.

"What the hell did you expect? You left me for a weekend with Emmett. Something was bound to happen."

Rosalie and Edward's face finally relaxed. They bent down at the bounty at their feet and started going through their gifts. Emmett and I let out another sigh of relief.

"Bella, what is this alarm you have set on this watch?"Edward asked as he strapped it to his wrist.

"That's a good day too Bella. Excellent choice," Alice chimed in.

I just gave Edward a questioning shrug like I had no clue what was going on. Yeah I could tell he didn't believe that either.

Just then we heard a clatter. It was coming from the kitchen and we all stood to see what was the matter. Than out came Esme, steamy and pissed. She held an object in her closed tight fist.

"Emmett McCarty Cullen for this you will pay! Why does my favorite pot look this away? How many times have I told you before, stay out of my kitchen? I will tell you no more!"

Esme shocked the burnt pot were Choco Co Puffs still sat. Emmett only looked forlorn staring at the mat.

"Hell of a time we had their Q-Tip."

"Anytime Rock. Any time."

I turned around to find Rosalie snuggled up with her industrial drip pan.

A weekend with Emmett had nothing on an eternity with this wacky gang!

* * *

**Don't ask me where the rhyming came from . . . really I have no clue . . . .**

**Sorry took so long to get this out and better yet, sorry it isn't drabbling. What can I say: I love my words.**

**Come back and catch some more of my Emmett and Bella zaniness to come in the future.**

**"Will the vampires that own the yellow Porsche and the Red BMW please come move your cars? You all are taking up 10 spaces."**

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